Real or Not Real
by Mrs. Astoria M. Malfoy
Summary: This story begins where Mockingjay ended, while they are in bed and Peeta ask's "Real or not real?" Gives insight into their lives together after the revolution, and the Capitol Games voted on in Mockingjay
1. Chapter 1

So after, when he whispers, "You love me, real or not real?"

I tell him, "Real."

I only see the joy that consumes his face for a moment, after that moment we are locked together in what can only be described as love. I'm not using him to protect me, we aren't faking for the cameras, and I'm not trying to keep him alive by distracting him with affection. This time I will not hurt him, this time I acknowledge my love, and he knows he no longer has to be tentative. Peeta doesn't have to think about tomorrow's repercussions, the possibility that I will tell him it was all just an act, or the fear that Gale will walk through the door and steal my heart away with a dead squirrel.

That boat has long since sailed away, maybe once I had a future with Gale, but even then, it's highly debatable. I had met Peeta first, the Boy with the Bread, and he had saved me first, that impression never went away. Even if we had not been reaped in the 74th Hunger Games, I know Peeta would have manned up to speak to me, and in time, I would have realized he is who I belong with.

So as Peeta runs his hands through my hair, bringing me back to reality, he breaks the kiss, even though I yearn for more. In the dim light cast in from the hallway, through the slightly ajar bedroom door, of his house in the Victors Village, I can see the pure euphoria in his shining blue eyes. Still tentative, a result from years of my rejection, he lifts himself so he is raised on top of me. His prosthetic leg really is life-like now that he better knows how to use it. It can perform every motion a regular human leg can, as well as being the same weight. He doesn't even need to take it off; they fused his nerves and bones into the leg, so the only thing it truly lacks is skin.

"What are you thinking about?" he questions breathing nervously.

"You love me, real or not real?" I ask, already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it, to know I'm not just dreaming, to know he's here and safe, and in love with me.

"Real", he says with the utmost assurance. How I got so lucky? I don't know. Haymitch was right; I could live 100 lifetimes and not deserve Peeta. I could live 500 and still, never will I truly deserve him.

"I was also thinking", I began, "do you remember that pearl you gave me?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, I would really like to get it made into something. Something I can keep with me forever to keep you close, even when I'm out hunting."

"I think that's a wonderful idea." He said rather simply.

Tired of suppressing the burning in my body, telling me I want more of Peeta, I give in and wrap my arms around his neck, raising myself up to gently kiss his lips. He apparently had the same idea, but was not intending to be so gentle about it. His lips searched mine hungrily, and that gave me confidence, it gave me the confidence needed to slip my tongue into his mouth, for the first time, without him having to initiate it. We stopped only to catch our breath, breathing while kissing just wasn't giving us enough oxygen. I felt strange, other parts of my body were reacting to this situation, making me hot, and want something I never imagined I would want, after all, I had decided I didn't want kids, hadn't I?

"Peeta", I whispered into his mouth.

He broke away to look at me, questioningly.

"Not tonight", I said generally, knowing he would know what I meant, he could see my physical arousal, bright cheeks, and feel areas flooded with blood. And I could very well see his; something I guess he had decided no longer had to be a secret. It didn't have to be, he wasn't scaring me away now. Automatically I feel his body tense, preparing for the emotional blows he's been subjected to by me, I hate myself for this.

"I'm not saying no", I take his hand and let him feel the warmth and arousal, "I'm just saying not tonight, I really don't want kids, we're only eighteen after all."

I feel him relax immediately and he lets out a breathy laugh, making me feel much better.

"Oh, I see what you mean… sounds like I'll have to make a trip to the market tomorrow." He says smiling.

"Actually, I have a better idea" I say. "I'm going to put a call in to my prep team, I'm sure the capitol had something far more effective that I can simply get a shot of."

I release him from my hold and kiss him again, deeply, melting into him, the way he has melted into objects by camouflaging. Now that I have acknowledged the stirring feeling, and embraced it, it does not leave me. That, I am grateful for. He kisses me back, cradling my face in his hand. He rolls off of me in one fluid movement, and beckons for me to lay against his chest, like we have done so many nights. He has bed sheets made of silk, orange silk, the color of the sunset, his favorite color, from the Capitol no doubt, and I pull them up around us, reveling in the cold air from the A/C. I'm happy we were able to keep our houses in the Victors Village, even after the revolution. It is but small repayment for what we have gone through. In fact, we can never be repaid. As long as Prim is dead, as long as we remember what we went through, and as long as we live, there is no way to repay a victor. But they will try.

Only a few weeks from now the reaping for the Capitols only Hunger Games will be underway. Peeta and I were chosen to be mentors for two of the tributes, the other district victors will be mentors for the other tributes. Another way they attempt to try and repay us. As this all runs through my mind I realize Peeta's breathing has evened out, signaling he is asleep. I decide to cast these thoughts from my mind and follow suit, drifting off into a land of dreams, dreams I can never be sure will offer me any sanctuary.


	2. Chapter 2

In the morning I wake up, only to find myself alone. But a smell the familiar fragrance of bread baking, in an instance my stomach is growling. Since living with Peeta I discovered how much I really love bread, especially herb bread. Brushing my teeth seems like a good idea, something Peeta will appreciate I'm sure. As I descend the ornate wooden stairs leading from the end of Peeta's long hallway, all the way to the living room, I realize we're not alone in the house. I hear the familiar sound of Haymitch burping; Peeta must have gone to wake him already and invited him for breakfast.

"Hey there sweetheart", Haymitch says, knowing how much him using that term irks me.

"Good morning, nice to see you haven't died of alcohol poisoning yet." I say exasperated already as he pours liquor into his coffee. I walk over to Peeta giving him a peck on the lips, causing Haymitch to raise his eyebrows.

"I'll talk to you about it later." Peeta says dismissively to Haymitch. _Good, _I think, _one less thing for me to have to do._

"While you do that, I need to make a call." I say while stepping into the living room, time to call my prep team.

Venia answers the phone, inquiring about my life, and Peeta's. Rejoicing when I tell her we are now together, and then I hear her yell to Octavia and Flavius about the "hot news." I miss Cinna more than ever. I go into explanation to Venia about the predicament I'm in and she assures me, they have something to take care of that, that she will be arriving with, tomorrow. This is certainly news to me. It turns out, Peeta and I will be taken to the Capitol the day before the reaping is held, then we will spend the next two weeks observing the tributes, it only seems right to give them an extra week of training, they most likely will have no experience, and it will make for a more interesting fight.

I walk lithely back into the kitchen, and explain to Peeta my conversation, including the birth control part, which doesn't seem to surprise Haymitch, meaning they must have talked. Peeta is still not happy with the idea of another Game, frankly, now that I have MY Peeta back, I'm disturbed at the thought as well. But then, right at the kitchen table, Peeta goes stiff, closing his eyes, and shaking while gripping the chair. The only way I've found to get him out of this is to kiss him. Convey my love into a pore of his body and make him realize he's okay. This just causes Haymitch to knock back an extra glass of liquored coffee. Seeing Peeta like this causes me to forget any sympathy and regret I had about these Games. _If we burn, they're burning with us _as I once said.

"Not real, Peeta. Not real", I softly coo to him. Within a minute or two, he's okay. At least we've gotten past the whole trying to kill me phase.

Peeta straightens himself up, excusing himself from the room to go paint no less. Haymitch leaves shortly after that, and I curiously go upstairs to Peeta's painting room, interested in his latest painting. I slowly open the door, and even though he hears the door creak, he doesn't turn, doesn't flinch. We sit in silence for hours as I watch each brushstroke come together, forming a picture of me, in a beautiful white dress, something only Cinna could have dreamed of designing. Finally he stands up, grabs my hand and walks me silently to the bedroom, even though it's only about three in the afternoon, we both know it will be our last chance to be truly alone together until after the Games. I haven't hunted in weeks, just not feeling strong enough to leave him honestly. I'm still so afraid he's going to disappear.

"I love you", I say quietly as we kiss, it gives me flashbacks of being in the cave, nothing better to do but nap and show affection.

"I love you too", he replies proudly.

"I thought we had a few weeks before we had to go to the Capitol, or at least a few days." I said with a bothered expression. I don't like when they suddenly change my schedule, it makes me feel as if the Capitol is still controlling my fate.

"That's what I was told, but I suppose there was a change of plans, it seems too soon, to have to go back there. I wonder where we will stay when we go?" he pondered.

I hadn't thought of this yet, but his curiosity sparked my own interest, after all, we aren't tributes this time, maybe we will still stay in the tributes building, with those we are to mentor. But the thought of going back to that place causes a lump to rise in my chest. That was my jail cell for what felt like forever, before the first Games, the second Games, and after I shot Coin. There are no pleasant memories in that building, I hope it is burned to the ground after we are done with it.

"I also heard, we will be dressed in the same burning ember outfit Cinna created for us at the Quarter Quell, to intimidate the Capitol, all the tributes that are alive will be wearing what they wore to the Quarter Quell when they were brought out on the chariots." Peeta said slowly gauging my reaction.

"But why?" I whispered, rising on one elbow to get a better look at him, with his golden blonde hair, strong jaw, and piercing blue eyes, the color of a summer sky.

"The best Haymitch can guess is to strike fear in the Capitol. To remind them of the last Games, to remind them what they did to us, which ultimately led to their downfall." He replied sullenly.

"Well I bet Johanna will just be thrilled, I hope they let her wear something other than that tree costume." I joke trying to lighten the mood, but suddenly my mind flashbacks to a conversation that seems a million years ago, _Have some sugar and tell me all your secrets_, Finnick, Finnick won't be there, nor will Mags, or Wiress, or anyone else who sacrificed themselves in an attempt to protect Peeta and I, to bring down the Capitol.

Peeta sees the pain flash through my eyes as I register this, he must, because he quickly changes the subject, telling me we may as well go eat some supper. In fact he has a surprise for me. I get up and am walking out of the room when I notice Peeta lingering near the dresser.

"I'll be down in a second." He says, so even though it's against my better instincts, the instincts of a hunter, I go downstairs to find the plum stew I fell in love with during the 74th Hunger Games.

We nap off and on for the rest of the day, after we eat, only to awake in the morning to a rapping on the door, the unmistakable rapping of Effie Trinket.

"We have a big, big day ahead of us", she beams, and it's sickening how the Capitol is even excited about their own children becoming tributes.

My prep team, which Peeta and I now share fall through the door right behind Effie, who is practically dragging Haymitch by his collar, I don't understand why Haymitch is here, I thought we had agreed to leave him behind; he has been subjected to enough mentoring as it was.

"Good morning Effie, Venia, Flavius, Octavia, Haymitch." Peeta said, He, in a much better mood than I.

They all give their general reply back to him, Haymitch merely grunting.

"What is Haymitch doing here?" I question right off the bat, rude or not, I want an answer.

"Plutarch thought it would be best for all of the surviving tributes to be present, a kind of grand front." Octavia says in her silly Capitol accent. As much as they sometimes annoy me, I would really miss my prep team if something had happened to them. Haymitch looks simply thrilled by this news; I pity Haymitch the most out of all the Victors. He lost everything after his Games, for something he didn't even purposefully do.

"I see", I reply with my brow furrowed, looking to Peeta. He's expressionless.

"Well it's time to get you both down to Beauty Base Zero!" trills Effie; I've learned to just get over the makeup and pampering. Although the waxing does still bother me, so since I gained enough motivation to stay alive, I've been waxing regularly, the more it's done, the less it has to be done; I've almost stopped growing hair actually. My hair has finally grown back after being damaged by the acid, and has been conditioned, to make it easier on my prep team. Small things like this strike fear in me, they worry me of what The Games have turned me into. Peeta assures me I'm just being silly, and I trust him, I trust only him.

As we are brought to Beauty Base Zero I see the familiar glow in my skin that I see whenever they do this, Peeta and I are standing side by side, naked, after they assured us this would be the quickest way for them to efficiently bring us both up to par. Finally they finish a light layer of makeup on me, and bring out one of Cinna's creations for me to wear. Peeta is put in simple dress pants and a button down, matching my outfit, a long, slender onyx dress, the color of coal. It is accented with a necklace featuring a fiery orange gem, and earrings, subtle, but conveying the point. I grab ahold of Peeta's hand and kiss him, deeply before we descend the stairs to make our way to the capitol, I see that Haymitch matches Peeta, and Effie is thrilled. She ushers us out of Peeta's house and toward the train station. I see the familiar train, labeled District 12 with the Capitol's Seal. I kiss Peeta once more before boarding the train, and step through the threshold, pondering what these Games will bring.


	3. Chapter 3

"That is mahogany! HOW many times must I remind you of this?" yells Effie, hurrying to get an attendant to clean up the mess Haymitch made while carving away at the wood with the knife he generally sleeps with.

"Calm down sweetheart!" guffaw's Haymitch.

"I most certainly will not!" she trills. Peeta and I are lounging on the couch, his head in my lap as I stroke his hair, neither of us have spoken much, trying to absorb the fact we will soon be arriving at the root of both our trauma, where my sister was brutally killed, and he was maniacally tortured. Suddenly a thought comes to my mind, _Will Gale be there?_ I hope he isn't, Gale has proved to me that I'm replaceable; he hasn't even bothered to see if I'm still alive. I have Peeta now anyways, if only I could teach him how to hunt without scaring away every animal within a ten mile radius...

"Peeta, Katniss, seeing as we are nearing the Capitol it is time to review your schedules, along with Haymitch's." Effie says full of her authority. "When we arrive at the training center you will take your usual places on the 12th floor. I assume you two will be staying in the same room?" she raises her pink eyebrows at Peeta and I, questioningly.

"Yes." I say simply, as if the thought of being without him is even an option. It's not.

"Okay then, Haymitch, you will take your usual room, and then the two other rooms will be for your two tributes you are to mentor. The reaping will be held promptly at 9:00 pm, and you will all be brought in on chariots. As far as I understand you each will have your own chariot, in the costume of your designers choice. Now Katniss and Peeta, you two will be riding together I believe." Effie informed us.

"Wait? What?" choked out Haymitch as he spewed his liquor coffee out of his mouth. "I have to dress up too?"

"Yes you do", replied Effie harshly, "but it will be something far more simplistic than Katniss and Peeta's costumes, I will talk to Katniss's prep team and see if we can get you in a suit, similar to Peeta's during his first interview."

Haymitch leans back in his chair, clearly satisfied he doesn't have to dress up as an ember. I simply nod, Peeta just reaches up to play with my hair. Suddenly Caesar Flickman appears on the television, along with Plutarch, I see clips of video playing in the background, and I realize it is video of all the Victors boarding the trains to the Capitol. It starts with District 1, moving in order to District 12, when it reaches Peeta and I boarding the train, it shows me turning around to kiss him, you can hear the audience sigh. I bend down to Peeta, melting into him once again, and suddenly I stop short; the vial Venia gave me, I need to take the shot. Its quiet an amazing substance really, it will stop me from getting pregnant until I take another shot, which gets rid of it. I under no circumstances want children. I'm afraid Peeta might one day, but we'll deal with that when the time comes.

After what seems like a century we make it to the Capitol, and up to our floor, I still find riding the elevator fun. As we get up there I look at the all too familiar setup, thankfully they put Peeta and I in his old room, mine holds to many bad memories. It's just now nearing supper time when Peeta excuses himself from the floor, and goes down into the Capitol streets. My nerves are racked him leaving me alone like this, but I go to the sitting room with Haymitch and Effie, intent on not seeming desperate and clingy. None of us speak much, save for Effie, she rambles on continuously about who knows what. About an hour later Peeta steps back through the door, not mentioning where he went, or what he was doing, just suggesting we eat supper.

"This may be even better than the plum stew!" I say excitedly as I eat our dinner for that night. It was balls or rice, around what they informed me was seaweed, with raw fish in the middle, and etc. It was so new to me.

"They call this 'sushi' if I remember correctly." commented Peeta, clearly enjoying watching me eat with such vigor, especially after months of them practically having to force feed me.

Dinner is over rather quickly and we all retire to our bedrooms to shower, and I administer the shot Venia gave me, to myself, tomorrow will be a long day for us all. There will be a total of 450 names in the reaping balls combined, 24 boys and girls will be chosen, and the children and grandchildren of the officials close to Snow, will have their name entered an extra 49 times.

Before showering Peeta and I decide to go up to the roof as we have before, where it is pleasant and we are truly alone. Him holding me in his arms no longer feels alien to me, and we sit like that for a while.

It grows later and later and finally we decide to go back inside before it gets to cold up on the rooftop, but quicker than I can register, Peeta drops down. At first I'm frightened his prosthetic leg pains him, but then I see him pulling something small and black from his pocket. As he opens the box I see a ring glinting in the pale moonlight, but not only do I see a ring, I see a pearl inlaid in the ring. Immediately I know it is my pearl, the pearl Peeta gave to me on the shores of the Quarter Quells beach. I'm completely stunned, suddenly I feel like Peeta during one of his episodes, stiff and unmovable.

"Katniss Everdeen, I want to spend every moment of the rest of my life with you."

This strikes a memory in my head, lounging on the roof top on a sunny evening, right before our world was going to fall apart. Then my thoughts shifted to how soon it was, only two days earlier had I finally admitted my love to Peeta, and now he's proposing to me. But none of that matters. I know now that I will never be without Peeta, so this only makes sense.

So after, when he whispers "Will you marry me?"

I tell him "I will."

Peeta rushes up and embraces me, gently, but also passionately, I slip the ring onto my finger and think about its significance, it couldn't be any more perfect. Only Peeta would have thought to do this for me. I could live 1,000 lifetimes and not deserve him. We make it back to the room, run a bath and enter it together, both too tired to take advantage of me new imperviousness to pregnancy, but simply relaxing together and making a silent agreement to try, hopefully tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

"TIME TO WAKE UP, MY PEARLS!" Yells Effie through the door, I snatch up a spare pillow and cover my head with it, still amazed by Effie's ignorance towards the process of creating diamonds. Peeta simply snickers. I lay there for a while, him still holding me in the same position as when we fell asleep. Thinking about getting up, and going down to get worked over by my prep team makes me feel like I'm back in the Games, strapped to a tree limb, not able to move, and not wanting to move.

_Everything always goes back to the Games_, I think to myself, no matter what it is, there is a connection. There will always be a connection. For Peeta's sake, I hope he doesn't have this connection, after all the hijacking, that would only cause him further pain.

At last we crawl out of bed, reluctant, but it's either that, or Effie might break down the door. The door may come in handy. I dress in just a simple robe, knowing I will be stripped down to be assessed by my prep team anyways. I do hope they take us all separately. Or at least Peeta and I separate from Haymitch, its not that I'm worried about me being seen naked, I don't want to see Haymitch naked. The thought makes me shudder in disgust.

Down at breakfast I notice Haymitch is not drinking near as much as usual, he's actually rather sober. I have a feeling he doesn't want to take another dive off stage. The thought of being presented as tributes again is frightening to me, when in reality we will be presented as victors. There will not be a tribute parade this year, all the tributes will be from the Capitol so it's rather pointless. This will be an odd Game; connecting with these tributes will be near impossible.

"Well Haymitch, it is time to get fitted for your outfit." Effie says rather bubbly, Haymitch looks at her scathingly, but gets up anyways.

As soon as Haymitch is gone, Peeta looks up at Effie questioningly, "Effie, why are all the other Victors forced to ride alone, and Katniss and I are allowed to ride together? I'm not complaining of course, just curious."

"The Capitol simply thinks of you as one Victor, you can't think of Peeta without thinking of Katniss", she says with a silly Capitol grin. Will these people ever change?

It doesn't take long for Haymitch to be prepared, and then Peeta and I are ushered into the makeover room. We are in the exact outfits as we were in the Quarter Quell, but for some reason they seem even more intimidating, makeup identical to the Quell as well. We are stunning.

After what seems like all day we are finally prepared, my hair is loose around my face, flowing and our bodies are glowing like embers. As I look at the time I realize it has been all day, suddenly Effie is directing us to the bottom floor of the training center to board our chariots, I spot Johanna, looking much nicer than the year before, now she looks more like a woodland fairy. Judging by her expression, she preferred the tree costume. I smirk. I waste no time speaking to anyone, there will be plenty of time for that, as for now, I want to get the reaping over with.

As Peeta and I get into the chariot, I look over at our hands already tightly grasping each other, he has my left hand, and I have his right, my ring glints beautifully like an opal in the glowing light of our suits. So many of these Victors are new to me, but Haymitch seems to know them all. No one approaches Peeta and I, I suspect they are simply waiting until the reaping is over. I kiss Peeta, sweetly, but with an underlying passion. He grins at me, mouthing the words "I love you" as the music begins to blare, I mouth the words back, with one more kiss, and then we're moving. Peeta and I are the last chariot, bringing more attention to us, briefly I touch my Mockingjay pin with my free hand, and then we are being cheered at by the massive Capitol audience. We both remain emotionless ,the tragic lovers who were subjected to so much hardship, we look into each other's eyes only, and then straight ahead, it drives the audience crazy being ignored. Good.

As we reach the end of the street, the Victors exit their chariots and walk onto the stage; there are about 27 of us in all. Then, all 450 teenagers, ranged from 12-18 are gathered in the middle of the street. Every one of them is terrified. My gaze is unrelenting, and I am the object of many peoples interest, to them I am the reason for this. I am the Mockingjay.

Peeta and I are still locked in each others grasps, I kiss him again as the tributes sponsored by District 1 are chosen, slipping him a little tongue, and giving him a private, playful look that surprises him. As soon as I look away my expression is back to stone.

When it comes time for Districts 7's sponsored tributes, Johanna ends up being the mentor of Snow's granddaughter, as well as a small, lanky 15 year old boy named Oscar. Johanna's eyes turn to flames. His granddaughter, Ophelia, looks terrified. Unfortunately for her, she resembles her grandfather so acutely, I feel no pity. When it's Effie's turn to pick the last two tributes we get a rather strong looking boy of 17, his name is Caraway, the girl is nothing special at a first glimpse, no striking quality or personality that will define her from all of the other tributes, she's 17, and her chances of surviving seem to plummet, at least Caraway appears as if he has done some type of training in his life.. Her name is Eden, and I have a feeling she will be told to shut up, more than once by the time this is done. Caraway is somber and annoyed as Eden chats with him, both of them looking at Peeta and I with terror in their eyes.

I ignore them, still stone, and Peeta follows suit. Haymitch doesn't speak much either. Effie makes up for us though, reassuring them that this is an honor, and they will have a lot of fun. When we get back to our floor I speak up for the first time, as does Peeta, we offer to show them to their rooms, as Haymitch knocks back a glass of wine, and Effie makes the dinner arrangements, I'm starving.

As we turn to walk back to the sitting room they both suddenly ask us a question, in unison, "What is your first piece of advice?"

When they ask us that question, I immediately flashback to our first time asking Haymitch, only now do I understand the significance of his advice, and I wouldn't be here, with Peeta, without it.

"Stay alive." Peeta and I say together.


	5. Chapter 5

The next week after that consisted of Peeta and I socializing with the other Victors, Johanna in particular, stuck around with us the most. We all watched as our tributes slowly went from worthless Capitol kids, to some form of fighters. The more they learned, the more Caraway turned into a fighter of a similar caliber to Cato. Eden was simply hopeless. She prevailed in nothing, no hand to hand combat, no camouflaging, she almost killed herself multiple times with the edible plants station, and weapons were definitely not her forte. Ophelia on the other hand was deadly, she reminded me of Clove. I knew, just by watching the other tributes, this fight would be between Caraway and Ophelia. Johanna made no effort to even attempt mentoring her tributes, even though Oscar seemed to need a little help. He was rather good with hand to hand combat, so maybe he had some hope.

Exactly three days before the Games would begin; Plutarch came to seek my opinion along with Peeta's. The finishing touches were being put on the arena, which according to him, would almost identical to the Quarter Quells, except this one would not be a clock, everything would be at random. We did make one request though, that drinking water would be found in pools quiet frequently, they are there to experience the horrors of what now haunts us, not to dehydrate and die.

Peeta simply said nothing. We decided Haymitch could take over mentoring for a few days, since he did get us out alive, and help these tributes with preparing for their interviews that next night. Eden had improved enough to get a score of a 5, Caraway an 8, and Ophelia an 8, the other tributes were all in the 4-7 ranges. I guess nobody hung a Seneca Crane dummy this year.

Out on the roof one night Peeta shocked me more than ever. "I was afraid I had lost you." He said vaguely.

"What do you mean?"

"When you turned into the 'mental avox' or whatever the doctor called you, I was afraid I had lost you for good. That's what helped me to control my episodes."

I couldn't even speak; I was still trying to process his words. Seeing this, he went into further explanation.

"I thought you would never be Katniss again, and I decided then and there that I would love you even if you got like Annie."

I still had no idea what to say to Peeta, so I kissed him instead. Back in the room we crawled in bed, cuddled up, and loved each other, it wasn't the first time… that had been done only about three days after being here, I simply couldn't suppress it any longer. Good thing Effie hadn't knocked down our door. I was ready to go home though, I missed Peeta's bed. Luckily Greasy Sae was looking after Buttercup for me, my only memory of Prim I have left.

We lay in bed, awake for a while afterwards, talking and relaxing, when a thought pops up to the front of my mind, I can't ignore it.

"On the way home, I want to visit my mother…"

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."

Oh sweet Peeta, always so supportive, I could live for 2,000 lifetimes and still.

"You know", he starts, "back when I gave you the bread, I never would have imagined I'd be sitting here like this, it's almost too good to believe."

"Sometimes I think the same thing, that's why I haven't been hunting, I'm afraid they'll steal you away from me."

"Oh, I see… as soon as we get back to District 12, I want you to go hunt…you need to, it was your life."

"Okay…." I say, drifting off into my sleep, surrounded by his strong arms, I know I'll be safe even if the bad dreams do come tonight.

When we wake up the following morning we mosey down to the living room, Occupied by Effie, Haymitch, Caraway, and Eden.

"Ah I see the lovebirds are awake", snickered Haymitch, "it's your turn to mentor, there was just an announcement made, because you and Peeta were both allowed to live, they will allow two victors. Teach these two how to work together."

"And why wouldn't you? You taught Peeta and I." I challenged.

"Because sweetheart, you were just up there with the boy doing God knows what...I've got a pretty good guess though."

That caught me off guard, my next instinct was to chuck the table lamp at him, but Peeta grabbed my arm restrictively, Effie eyed me murderously, as if knowing what I was going to do, and Haymitch ignored me, taking a swig of whiskey.

Disgusted, I stalked out of the room, motioning for them to follow me, Peeta joined me shortly after, he really didn't need to even be here, he was hurt enough by my strategy to stay alive, no need to remind him of how evil I was to him, even though now, I know I loved him, but couldn't recognize it back then.

We ended up in the deserted training room; it was too early for most Capitol raised kids to be up. I'm bad with words. Peeta is the one gifted at this, I envy that sometimes.

"Your partner is your life line. Becoming a traitor to them is the last thing you want to do, nobody likes a traitor." I begin.

"Although Katniss and I were driven by love, you can do similar, without having to be in love. It just simply depends how far you're willing to go. I would have done anything to get her out alive, I did everything." Peeta says as he pulls up his pant leg somberly, revealing his prosthetic leg.

"Even when not in love, a partner can be important, you will not escape unscathed, or completely at ease with your mental state, there are true horrors in that arena, life afterwards is hard, but all the victors have survived by supporting each other. But an arena partner is the ultimate support." I continue.

"You don't want to end up like Haymitch." Peeta sticks in there.

"Remember all of your training advice, find water RIGHT away, and grab whatever is in your reach, then run, together."

They're absorbing every word, but I'm not sure what else to input at this point so Peeta releases them.

Peeta and I remain in the training room for a while so I can practice my archery, even Peeta is starting to progress with a bow.

"We seem so much older than them." I say indifferently. Peeta's practicing knot tying, and making traps even Gale would be envious of.

"They're only a year younger, but I agree."

"Maybe that's what happens to all victors?"

"Katniss we've been through much more than a normal victor, our nightmares didn't end after the arena."

Visions of mutts, war, death, Finnick, Cinna, Prim, everyone I loved who died in front of my eyes, and were tortured, _Peeta_….Peeta has suffered the most for me. He see's thoughts flashing by my expression.

"Katniss, you love me, real or not real?"

I smile, "Real, it's always been real."


	6. Chapter 6

Even after my nightmares of this particular arena, the blood rain, mutt monkeys, jabberjays, and acidic fog, it still took me longer than it should have to recognize it in Peeta's painting. While Eden and Caraway were getting prepared for their interviews, Peeta painted, and I watched. I watched Peeta, and listened to the Capitols dissection of the ring currently on my finger. Nothing goes unnoticed here. _But we won…_ I think to myself, _Isn't this all supposed to stop? Isn't this what Prim died for? Finnick, Boggs, Cinna, everyone? Wasn't the Capitol supposed to change?_ But I already knew the answer to that: of course not. The Capitol no longer was in control of the districts, but they would always be the same. It's ingrained into the people to be freaks.

"Is that the arena you were in the second time?" I hear a quiet voice ask me. Peeta is so engrossed, it's pointless to ask him.

"Yes, it is." I reply to Eden.

"I never doubted your love for each other." She says shyly. This makes me turn around and look at her for the first time, incredulous.

"What?" I say, to shocked to have my wits about me.

"The war, I know it was because of the nightlock, and the Quarter Quell, President Snow rewrote the form that came out of the box, my father was his right-hand man."

All this sunk in and I realized that my suspicion was true. If only I had killed Snow, that is my one regret. I wanted to see the light leave his eyes, but Coin had to be taken out. She would have been worse than Snow; the whole of Panem would have been living in gray suits for the rest of their lives.

"Thank you", I said quietly, I needed to know this for sure, even though the rebels had told me, I still wanted to know.

She went silent after that. I had a question though, probably not the best question for a girl about to die, but nonetheless, I asked anyways.

"How did your father survive being so close to Snow?" I asked cautiously.

"Because of how he exploited everybody?"

I nodded.

"It wasn't easy, in the end Snow decided it was better to punish my mother, and keep my father afraid of any idea to surpass him. After my father sent you the sponsorship of the paste that fixed your acid burns in the Quell, Snow turned my mother into an Avox. It absolutely devastated my father, but Snow wanted you dead… my father then worked very hard to keep in line; he knew having my mother as an Avox would be better than not having her at all. In the end they both died, Snow forced them to take nightlock pills so none of his advisers could be questioned, there was of course the few that got through, but Snow lead such a deceitful life he was afraid of the Capitol citizens even in his own death." Even Peeta stopped painting to listen; Haymitch, Effie, and Caraway were all listening intently as well. My heart sunk as I realized just how terrible I had been to this girl, not only did her father save Peeta and I's lives in the Quell, he was punished for it, then this girl lost her parents, and now she was getting thrown into the arena to fight to the death, all because of me. _Tick tock, this is a clock_, kept going over and over in my head, the phrase that signals I'm thinking about that horrible arena.

"And that is how you get an audience to remember you." Haymitch says solemnly, Effie is in tears, and I simply look at Peeta, my eyes wide as saucers, he mirrors my look.

"Caraway, do you have anything that might help you?" Peeta asks seriously

"Can't you tell? He asked incredulously.

"Tell what?"

"We're twins."

That surprised me even more, but now that I thought about it, I never paid attention to the last names of our tributes, only Effie did, and never mentioned anything to us, Haymitch apparently knew too. Now that I looked I could see similarities in them, the shape of their nose, the color of their eyes, a light green, although she had light blonde hair and he had dark raven hair, similar to mine. Fraternal twins for sure. The chances of them being picked in the same district, and even just both of them being picked, was astronomical, this made me feel even worse.

My prep team came in right afterwards, motioning for the twins to go see their prep team, and that it was time to work on Peeta and I since we had to make an appearance at the interviews, for moral support, and because the Capitol couldn't resist another glimpse at my hand.

My prep team stuck me in a red silk gown, fitted around my torso, emphasizing the reconstruction my body got after I was blown sky high in that explosion, the Capitol finally got their wish to alter my body to be more appealing surgically, and Haymitch had to allow it this time, there was no Cinna to defend me, and the Mockingjay could hardly walk around with a disfigured body. I was much sexier now, not that I needed a standpoint anymore. Flavius told me it was called a mermaid cut dress, Peeta seemed to enjoy it, as much as he likes innocent and simple, he couldn't deny this. Peeta was placed in a simple black suit, with a tie to match my dress. Cinna had truly thought of everything, he made us more than enough clothes before… I didn't even want to finish the thought. Thankfully, he made me dresses so perfect in length and cut that I didn't have to wear high heels, meaning Peeta wasn't a nervous wreck. I could climb 80ft trees, fight tributes, mutts, and fireballs, but I couldn't work with heels.

As we walked out of Peeta's room, where we were being prepped, the twins were in the living room, both dressed as if they would be going to a funeral; they were obviously going for the angle of grief. Peeta and I were the tragic lovers, forever to be associated with fire, and they would be going for the pity vote.

As if Peeta can read my mind he whispers, "Whatever works."


	7. Chapter 7

That smell! I think wildly to myself, it sickeningly sweet, and something I know all too well. I whip around, back and forth in my seat trying to locate the lizard mutts who are coming to decapitate me as they did Finnick, but I see none. Peeta wraps his arms around me restrictively, clearly not understanding the danger before us. The mutts that are coming to steal us away from each other.

"Lizard mutts." I whisper quietly to him, hoping he will understand, and we can run.

"Not real Katniss, not real…" he whispers back to me softly, clearly trying to avoid making a scene, this calms me down somewhat. I bury my face in his chest momentarily trying to escape the smell. But it refuses to go away. I lift my face out of the protection of Peeta to survey my surroundings, and locate the danger.

_Roses..._ that is the putrid smell invading my lungs and burning them worse than the smoke in my first Games. I see the source of the roses as well, it's Ophelia. Never before have I wanted to harm a young girl so badly before, not even in the Games. But this girl looks at me with beady eyes, and knowing, she knows what this smell does to me, and she smirks. Automatically my hands reach for a bow that is not there, ready to load it with an arrow that is not there either. To shoot it through the rose directly over her heart, although she is in a dress completely made of roses.

Peeta once again steadies me, now realizing the subject of my near insanity. I am scarred, as he is, and we will be forever. Sometimes I wonder how people see me; Peeta never has episodes in public anymore, now it is only a matter of keeping me at ease. Do people see me as crazy and unstable as Annie? They can't, I don't cover my ears for no reason during conversations, but the smell of roses sends me into a near frenzy.

Why Peeta loves a broken girl like me? I don't know. Damaged. Set on fire, tainted with acid, alone, hurtful, and a killer. I could live 3,000 lifetimes…

"Not real, not real", he murmurs softly into my hair, and I relax. We are stationed inside the interview waiting room, because we are scheduled for our first interview with Caesar, since the rebellion, since Peeta was dragged and beaten on stage for saving my life. Unfortunately, we are scheduled last, meaning I can't focus on any interviews; all I focus on is Peeta, the only real thing in my world. His strong jaw, golden hair, and piercing blue eyes. He looks down at me, holding me with his gaze, slowly he leans down and kisses me, suddenly I forget where I am, what I'm supposed to be doing, and the gnawing desire for him is back, that feeling stirs inside me, making me want more. That happens every time now, but some stronger than others.

"They did wonderful on their interviews, I know you weren't paying attention." He says shyly as he breaks the kiss. This is good news I remind myself. District 12 is done, signaling it is his and I's turn. I stand up straightly as he pulls me along gently; I straighten my shoulders, and hold my head high.

As we walk out onto stage, I am the Girl on Fire, I am the Mockingjay, or should I say we are, Peeta is as much a part of me as I am a part of him now. We are one.

Peeta smiles brightly at the audience, I try mustering a smile, I'm shell shocked, nervous, as I have always had a hard time being in front of this audience. No longer do I have Cinna to focus on in the audience, but I do have Peeta by my side, which is enough for me. Peeta has that natural ease in front of the audience, and a connection with Caesar. Lucky he does, I'm too occupied with my effort of not letting them see how much I hate them.

"Ah our District 12 lovebird victors!" Caesar Flickman says with a smile.

"Nice to see you again Caesar", Peeta greats him.

As they talk I can see the pain in Caesars expression, their last conversation Peeta was beaten, bloodied, and tortured.

"Hello", I say politely.

"What an honor having our Mockingjay with us tonight, am I right folks?" he asks the audience with the utmost enthusiasm. I smile.

Peeta leads me over to what is now a love seat, around it, beautiful primroses. I feel a lump rise in my throat. Instead I focus on Peeta's face as he guides me to sit down, clearly aware of my distraction. The light shines on his face beautifully, his lips may smile, but his underlying expression is strained, as if he's fighting an episode.

"Not real, not real", I murmur softly in his ear as I sit, so nobody notices, I never imagined the painful memories this must bring to him...

"I just love seeing you two together", starts Caesar, "possibly two of my favorite Victors, it's like you are so connected, your one victor."

I smile, it's exactly my thoughts.

"Seems like it." I say. He smiles, I feel Peeta extend his arm across my shoulders. And he leans down to kiss me on the top of my head.

"So Peeta, it's been quite a journey for you since we last spoke", I feel Peeta stiffen next to me. The audience appears to grow to me. "Give me some insight on those events leading to today."

"Yes it has been a journey", Peeta says darkly, unseen horrors swimming behind his eyes, "but I got through it all thanks to Katniss. After I was rescued, I suffered horrible visions from being hijacked, I still do, but I can control them now, they wanted to make me hate Katniss; they wanted me to kill her. After the war, now that we're both recovered, we're more in love than ever."

He grabs my hand gently and presents the ring to the Capitol. A sigh runs through the audience.

"And now, we can have a real wedding." he said simply.

"That is so sweet! You two saved each other once again." Caesar swoons. "Now Katniss, we all know you were the face of this change in government, for Peeta, so why is there this final Hunger Games?"

"So you understand." I say with a rough edge to my voice, it's breaking; all I can think about is the deaths, forever the deaths. Peeta takes over for me.

"As victors, we are separate beings from the rest of the world, and we will forever be. We can never be repaid for what has been done to us and what has been taken from us." As he speaks these last words, Peeta lifts his pants to reveal his prosthetic leg.

"Well we'll never stop trying to repay you all, that's for sure." Caesar says with a sheepish smile.

I recover enough to let out two more words, "I know."


	8. Chapter 8

"I wonder if they'll get any sleep tonight." Peeta says quietly to me as we lay together in the dark. The crushed velvet sheets feel good against my skin. Him and I are skin on skin, and now, completely relaxed. His breath tickles my ear, rather than me lying on his chest, tonight he is spooning me, a slightly more comfortable position for him to sleep in.

"I heard their doors open earlier." I say simply, my ears, so much more adept than his. My rebuilt ear is even more effective, but mainly, it's from years of hunting. Waiting for my prey to walk by, slipping soundlessly through the woods. To catch a deer, you must think like a deer. Hunting doesn't offer the same satisfaction as before. Now I am alone, and hunting with Gale would never be the same anyways even if that was an option, which it will never be. No longer do I have to hunt to keep my family alive, I have more than enough money, as does my mother. Actually my mother is off in District 4, meaning I wouldn't have to even hunt for herbs for her anymore. So what will I do anymore? Now that I have the will to live, now that I don't have to scrounge to survive, or ever worry about work…. Now what? And what will Peeta do? The bakery was destroyed, his entire family killed, and he has more than enough money to survive as well.

"Peeta…" I begin, and I voice my concerns to him. He is silent for a long time, and then finally decides to speak up.

"Haymitch mentioned to me, that they would like us to spend maybe a month or so, maybe less, maybe more, traveling throughout the districts to oversee the clean-up effort, tie up any loose ends, stuff like that." I absorb this, _a Victory Tour_, I think.

"I guess we are the ones responsible…" I whisper, thinking about having to see Gale so soon, arriving in District 2, him kissing another pair of lips, he who was responsible for what killed Prim, he who rescued Peeta, he who used his pain against me, in an attempt to hold me, and he who was my friend for four years. Never would I go to him for comfort again, I have no interest in him, but the thought of seeing him after our strained conversations and disintegrating friendship is an uncomfortable thought. I've always thought of burns as the worst pain. I'll take a gash, a broken bone, anything over a burn. The heat is uncomfortable, and after seeing men come to the house for years, burned beyond repair, it soured me even further. Gale burned me. He is hotheaded and to filled with fire and hatred, I realize that now, all those conversations we had in the woods, him always so negative and hate filled, that would never go away.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up. Peeta was gently shaking me, telling me it was the day; it was the day the games would begin, and a crucial day for us to start gathering sponsors. When I finally sat up I noticed Peeta dressed already, in a simple suit, classy, but just not Peeta. Then he lifted up what was laid out for me to wear; my Mockingjay suit, without the helmet part. Tiredly I got up and put the suit on, laced up the boots, and slung my bow and quiver across my back. I felt much more comfortable being armed, whether there was danger or not.

"Sweetheart, what are you going to do with those arrows?" Haymitch questioned patronizingly.

"I'm not sure; I found them with the suit."

"Well take the damn things off; you're going to look for sponsors, not lead another rebellion."

I narrowed my eyes at him as I went to our room to leave my weapons behind; as soon as I made it back to the kitchen it was time for us to head to the viewing hall, where the sponsors and mentors all gathered to watch the games. There was a screen dedicated to ever victor, and then a large screen displaying the games as a whole, cutting to the most interesting happenings. I kissed Peeta lovingly as we walked through the door, clutching his hand, an inseparable couple. It was odd being on the other side of the screen for once in the past two years, even stranger to be a mentor. This meant these kids could live or die depending on my actions. Thankfully there was both Peeta and Haymitch to assist me. I served as the attraction, everyone wanted to speak with thee Mockingjay, Peeta was the socially adept one, and Haymitch informed us as to how each sponsor ticked, we had them all wrapped. The other mentors weren't trying very hard honestly, they preferred to gather together, and seemed to enjoy watching the Capitol kids slaughtering each other. The only one I would truly enjoy is Ophelia.

During the first two days eleven out of the 24 tributes were dead. Tributes for Districts 2, 3, 5, 8, 11, and Oscar from District 7, Ophelia had left him to the mercy of the beast we had seen body parts retrieved from during the Quell, turns out it was a Panther mutt, it slinked quietly the through the trees, stalking its prey. Most tributes were joined together trying to save their partners, often resulting in both of their deaths, while Ophelia lead her own partner straight into a trap. Caraway and Eden were having trouble themselves, they encountered the blood rain, followed by the acid fog, lucky for them, they were so coated in blood, the acid had no effect on them. But the wild animals were attracted to the scent of the blood, causing them to jump into the salt water found by the cornucopia, and they decided to make camp there, living in the shelter of the cornucopia, and eating the sea life found there.

By day 5 Ophelia had killed a tribute from 1, 4, and both of 6. Caraway and Eden had killed the other tribute from 1 and 4. District 1 had killed one of District 9 and one of District 10, while District 4 had taken care of the others from those Districts. It was now between Ophelia, Caraway, and Eden. Peeta and I spent our nights, up, watching the live feed coming from the television, until we had to go to bed, trying at all costs to keep them alive. By Day 7 they were being driven together, as is customary. Funnily enough, they sent the mutt dogs that chased Peeta and I together with Cato, the root of my nightmares.

As they drew nearer I felt both my body, and Peeta's tense. It was in the night that they finally met each other, Effie had bounded through our bedroom door, and back out the other way when she realized she was interrupting something. The only thing keeping us sane at the moment was each other. The feel of Peeta's hands, the feel of Peeta loving me, and likewise with me to him. Honestly I wasn't too embarrassed, it was dark, so she saw nothing but a silhouette. I wrapped myself in a blanket and made my way to the living room, Haymitch yawning, it was 2:30 in the morning. Caraway was bleeding profusely from the arm, and Eden facing off with Ophelia, it wasn't much of a fight truthfully, Ophelia, was a deadly opponent, slicing her throat before she even had a chance, but before they could announce Ophelia as victor, Caraway had shown up behind her, and smashed her temple with a rock, effectively killing her, leaving him as the sole victor. He had a look in his eyes I recognized, the same look all victors have. Loss, hurt, and betrayal, but relief mixed in as well.

"The nature of the Game." I say quietly, Peeta squeezes my hand and takes me up to the rooftop where we sit until the morning.


	9. Chapter 9

Why this has affected me so deeply? I cannot say. After all, wasn't I who didn't like Eden at first anyways? Wasn't it I who was one of the deciding votes to hold the 76th Hunger Games? Wasn't it I who shut these children out for nigh on two weeks? Wasn't it I who held off on sending in the ointment for Caraways leg earlier that day, not understanding how damaged he truly was? If I would have sent that medicine in, would he have been able to save them both? It was I who caused her death, who caused the death of so many children. After all, isn't that what they were? Children who did not know the first thing about struggle, who had never had to be the adult for anyone in their lives, children who had never fought to the death, defied death, and played a pawn for others multiple times, they were children for sure, never experienced loss, and their sacrifice was necessary for the others to finally understand.

Somewhere around 3 am I got up the nerve to talk to Peeta, I had spent at least half an hour struggling within myself. I opened my eyes, staring up at his strong jaw; his face slightly illuminated in the faint light radiating from the moon. He looked down at me, looking as if he was having the same inner fight as well. But his could not be near as difficult. Peeta was not in charge with the distribution of gifts, only the acquiring of the funds. He had gathered more than enough funds for us to keep them fed well enough, and rather healthy. I was the one who failed.

"You're beautiful." he stated quietly. I could feel the blush arising, and I could feel what the sight of my blush did to him. He smiled apologetically. I began lifting myself off of his lap, where my head lay. I could see his muscles tensing as I got in front of him, kneeling, and began pushing him down, slowly and gently until I was hovering over top of him. Ever so gently I leaned down to kiss him, teasing him. I did this until I could no longer take it myself. I lowered myself so we were chest to chest, his strong arms holding me down by my lower back, one of his hands wandering downward. We explored each other's mouths, both of us eager for more. Before I knew it we were both in the process of undressing before I noticed something odd when I looked beyond him. A hidden camera, disguised as a flower. We had been warned before that the only safe place was our quarters.

"Peeta, look", I pointed to it, he shook his head, luckily we hadn't undressed much yet, "Let's go back to the room." I continued. It may not have been functional, but on the off case that it was, I'm not comfortable with nudity, much less it being broadcasted, which is ALWAYS a possibility in the Capitol.

We barely closed the door before, in an act of passion; we were undressing, faster this time. Peeta gently tossed me on the bed, rising above me, kissing me, both of us becoming one. I could feel he was ready, I was beyond that point. Always the gentleman he caressed me, from my chest to my hips, and up again. Finally I realized he was teasing me in his own way. I proceeded to wrap my legs around his waist, effectively ending his self-control. For the next fifteen minutes all that mattered in the world, was me and him. It was remarkable really, the stamina this boy- no, this man, had acquired over the past two weeks. He could last a lot longer than originally, this gave him pride.

As we lay there afterwards, me drawing abstractly with my fingers against his arms and chest, running my hands through his soft, golden hair, I asked him, "You love me, real or not real?"

"Real", he said grinning.

"I want Haymitch to take over the rest of the mentoring from here." I tell him in a raspy voice.

"Whatever you want." He replies squeezing me tight against his chest.

Somewhere in this time I managed drifting off to sleep, only to be plagued by restless dreams. They began back in the arena of the Quarter Quell. Peeta and I were sitting on the beach, holding each other, when suddenly a snow storm descends on us. Maybe snow storm is too light of a description, blizzard would be more accurate, but not just any blizzard, the snow smelt of roses, sickeningly sweet, poisonous roses. We're holding each other, trying to retain warmth and body heat, when suddenly Eden walks through the howling winds and snow, face contorted, holding a single red rose. Why I'm scared I don't yet realize, when I decide to look down and see my own leg, burned from the injuries in my first Games, then everything clicks, Peeta is then to far from my reach, I sorely make my way over to them, when no sooner does Peeta trip due to his prosthetic leg, then she slices his throat with the thorn on the rose.

I sit up in bed so abruptly that Peeta almost gets knocked in the head, I can feel myself trembling, I must have been thrashing around for some time.

"Not real, not real, Katniss!" he implores me, all I can do is look at him, and sob.

"She killed you...Or it was Snow…. Or Ophelia… or Eden…but they…killed you", I managed to get out in between sobs. He had me pulled up against his chest, and was rocking me back and forth. Then he began singing, he sang me the valley song that I had sang so many years before, I drifted off back into a dreamless, peaceful sleep, as he lowered us down to the bed, and he held me tight. The Boy with the Bread… the one who saved me countless times, the one who I had hurt countless times. It was clear, I would never stop owing him, but I didn't mind, it was no longer about owing him, now it was about loving him, and I could love him forever.


	10. Chapter 10

**(sorry for such a long time in between updates I'm working hard on my other fan fiction Slytherin Lives, I'm rereading Harry Potter series and obsessed with Pottermore! Add me on Pottermore! I'm a Slytherin that goes by the nickname Tor i Malfoy…. It would be Astoria Malfoy, but it won't let me spell it, or spell it Tori for short. But my username is MoonOak25845)**

"I'm a horrible person." I stated miserably the next morning.

"You're not a horrible person," Peeta replied quietly, staring at me with a sense of being lost deep in his eyes. I had my face in my hands, while sitting cross-legged on the bed. He clearly didn't take it well when I was upset.

"How am I going to look him in the face?" I said, absolutely mortified at the thought. I had had a very rough night.

"Let's go down to breakfast." He said simply, avoiding my question. Not even Peeta, the one who always knew what to say, knew what to say to me now.

"Well there's our victorious couple!" trilled Effie Trinket. I said nothing.

I noticed Peeta whispering something to Haymitch at this point, I ignored this to.

"Listen Sweetheart" began Haymitch in his patronizing tone; my hand gripped my fork tightly as I began eating an omelet. Still I refused to look up as he continued, "She died, nothing you can do about it, tons of kids have died under my care, and you don't see me all upset about it."

I stared intently at my plate, biting back a stream of harsh insults.

"She wasn't a good fighter, end of story." He said under his breath. At this, I exploded.

"NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE DON'T SEE YOU UPSET HAYMITCH. WE SEE YOU DRINK YOURSELF TO DEATH! YOU ARE UPSET; YOU'RE SO UPSET YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT!" My blood was boiling at this point. I realized I had stood up and was leaning across the table at him. Immediately regret washed through me, Haymitch had been through the same thing we all had been, at least he could speak, I had turned into a mental Avox for a while I was so bad at handling it.

Everyone simply stared at me in disbelief. Haymitch put a look of disappointment on his face, stood up slowly, bid us a good morning, and announced he had to prepare to go meet the newly crowned victor. To make matters worse he turned to me and said, "Don't worry Katniss; I'll be the one taking the blame for his sister."

I couldn't even speak, I wanted to cry, to curl up in my chair and simply cry. Why was I so destructive? I hurt everyone I came into contact with. Anyone who cared about me, or anyone who tried to help me, I hurt them time and time again, both mentally and even physically.

"I'm sorry Haymitch." I whispered pathetically as he walked out.

"It's just part of the game sweetheart." I heard him say sullenly as he walked out. Our lives, our scars, or mental instabilities would always be the Game; it was engrained into us, and ruined us as people.

"Let's go see Johanna!" Peeta insisted trying to cheer my up.

"Yeah… okay…" I replied, trying to hold my composure.

Finding Johanna wasn't difficult; she was down in the training room, practicing knot tying. I felt a sharp pain as I remembered Finnick.

"So… some fight last night eh?" said Johanna as I sat down next to Peeta, his arm wrapped protectively around me.

"Yeah… some fight" I replied still sullen.

"What's her problem?" she asked looking at Peeta. He glanced down at me and went into full explanation.

"Look Katniss, Ophelia had it out for your tributes from day one, she told me. She had it out for you. "

This caught my attention and I looked up, meeting her eyes.

"Like Cato had for Peeta and I?" I asked curiously.

"Exactly like that." Hearing this made me feel slightly better.

"Will you please tell Caraway this? Please?" I practically begged her.

"Don't worry Katniss, I'm sure she will. And if she doesn't I will." Peeta said reassuringly as he rubbed my arm comfortingly.

"Thank you." I said simply, trying to fight back my emotions.

"Now, it'll be time to go to the prep team soon, we still have to be present at these things, lets pass some time with you teaching the cripple how to shoot arrows more." Peeta said, talking about himself. I felt myself faintly smile as I took his hand to help me up.


	11. Chapter 11

"Do you think life will ever be normal again?" I question as Peeta and I sit in our room awaiting the victor interview.

"We don't even know what normal life is Katniss… We'll always be split into Districts, we'll always be confined to our trade, with the freedom to have sustainable food and conditions of course… but the only real difference is there will no longer be the Games…"

I mulled this over for a few moments, thinking about my life. What did my life consist of? What did I consider normal? Hunting with Gale, taking care of Prim, taking care of my mother…? Trying to survive. My old life was dead. The chance of me ever even really speaking to Gale again was slim, my sister was dead because of Gale, and my mother had run off to avoid the pain of District 12.

"You're right… Peeta… I… I don't know what I would have become without you." My voice cracks on the last word. I hide my face in his chest while silent tears of mourning roll down my face. He does not try to coax me out; he simply lets me remain there. Finally I compose myself enough to face the contents of the room. I glance down at the midnight blue dress I am clad in; it's a piece of work so perfect, it could only be one of Cinna's creations.

"So what do we do now?" Peeta asks me cautiously after a long silence.

"I'm not sure…" I reply, "Make a trip to all the districts before returning home?"

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Yes… Yes I am sure. I want to see my mother; I need to make sure she is okay."

"Katniss that's just District 4, are you wanting to visit the others as well, are you sure you can handle going to 2?"

My throat constricts as the words leave his mouth, I know what he means, he means: _Are you sure you can handle seeing Gale?_

Whether it is for solely my wellbeing, or a combination of that and his fear of me hurting him again, and going back to try a life with Gale, I don't know. What Peeta doesn't seem to know is the impossibility of that; Gale will forever be associated with Prim's death.

"I'm going to them all. I'm curious to see what has been done, especially in 13." I say stiffly. Peeta merely nods, and grips me tighter, pulling me close to him and rocking me. We sit in silence like that for some time, until Haymitch comes in silently, gives us a pained look, and motions with his head that we must go.


	12. Chapter 12

Cheering, clapping, flashing lights that blind me and enthusiastic screams of "Mockingjay" is all I can register as I step off the lift, other than the pressure of Peeta's hand gripping mine. I don't bother smiling, I didn't like these people before, and I don't like them now. I can feel Peeta's hand trembling, and I know exactly why, he's fighting against the images that threaten to control him, the Capitol created images. As I glance around I then catch sight of Johanna, her hair cropped close still, it's taken it awhile to grow out again, and with that, it feels as if I just got a punch to the stomach. Before I know what I'm doing I'm pulling Peeta with me, and heading backstage, I don't know where I'm going, but I know I'm getting off of that stage, away from the crowd, with Peeta struggling to get my attention and stop me.

"Katniss! KATNISS!" his yell finally breaks through my panic. I've managed to get us back to the training center, it's dark and deserted. I throw myself down on the floor and begin ripping pins and clips out of my hair, letting fall down around my face. It had grown all the way to my butt, I refused to cut it any shorter than that, as many times as it had been damaged, and after seeing Johanna's struggling to grow back, I had decided it was a form of rebirth and regrowth, a form of rebellion, my hair was something the Capitol constantly affected, but no more.

"Katniss," Peeta repeats, softly this time, "Katniss, what happened?"

"I can't do it Peeta. I can't. All I could think about was watching you on that screen, and before that, being scared to death for our lives, before and after the Games." I whimper pathetically, my voice raspy.

"I understand." He whispers. We sit there a long time in silence, the show must be close to over .

"Sometimes I can't believe I managed to hold onto this pearl the entire time, just like sometimes I can't believe I've managed to hang onto you," I say weakly. He pulls me back, from where my head was resting on his shoulder, and looks me in the eyes.

"You never had competition, there has never been anyone even close," he says as he kisses me.

"For a while there I actually worried about Delly…that she might win you over…" I admitted bashfully in between kisses. Before I can even be embarrassed he is gently guiding me back, I'm letting him, I don't care if people come looking for us, I want to forget the awful memories of District 13 and Delly being the only person able to be around him, I want to forget how mean I was to him, forget how awful Gale was to me, and forget how I had to watch the people I cared about die.

Taking our clothes of wasn't practical for that moment, so instead we simply pulled aside what we could and made do. This wasn't an act of romance; this was an act of need. We both needed each other so badly in that one moment, not sexually, but emotionally, we needed that feeling of being one, a team, and knowing we had each other to draw support from. Every touch sends a shiver of pleasure up my spine.

After what seems like forever sitting there in each other's arms afterwards, Haymitch followed by Caraway and Effie open the doors to the training room, by this time I'm up, hair streaming down my back, shoes kicked off, with at least 50 arrows lodged in various objects and walls around the room. Peeta is sitting back in one of the instructors chairs just watching me shoot.

For a while they all stand there observing me shoot, I make no acknowledgement they're even there. Finally I hear a sigh, not in impatience, but simply in exhaustion.

"Come on sweetheart, time to go home" Haymitch whispers. Silently I turn around, drop my arrows and bow, leave my shoes and various hair accessories on the floor, and follow behind everyone, even lagging behind Peeta. I turn around and take one more look at the place that was once part of my prison, and then let the door shut.


End file.
